Consequences of a Divided Marriage

Married couples today are constantly being attacked by a disease that eats at relationships slowly, and decisively. This plague has destroyed countless families, wrecked homes, and broken trust in the hearts of people who have felt they have fallen out of love. This tragedy finds its way into the seemingly most solid and robust relationships, only to corrode away their strength like a water droplet on a sugar cube. The end results, however, are far from sweet. John Updike's short story, Separating, shows us how the modern relationship can find the way to its own destruction. We view the painful deconstruction of a modern-day American family reared by the characters Joan and Richard, and suffer through the story of their doomed marriage. Over the next few pages, we will discuss what has wrought this upsetting end to the marriage of Joan and Richard, and the unique reactions they receive from their children upon hearing the news of their decided separation. We shall also view divorce in a statistical sense in America, and attempt to reason about why so many families' lives come to a halt during signs of trouble, and even some whose marriages are broken up in times of opulence.

In Separating, the children react in the most diverse ways. Much more vocal about their feelings, they give us insight as to what a child thinks of their parents' relationship with each other, and also the parents' relationship with their children. It is quite apparent that the level of intensity in the child's reaction was somewhat proportionate to his or her dependence on Richard and Joan as parents. The younger the child, the more drastic the reaction upon hearing that mom and dad are no longer in love with each other. This interested me, since as one grows older, one typically obtains a better grasp of what a relationship would be like, and how to solve a weakened one. Why would not an older child react with an inspired fervor with the hope that a more rational argument for their marriage could be made? What causes a young person to take such a dramatic stance when the parents' marriage lies in the balance? Most of all, what causes disinterest in each other to come about in one's marriage, and how can a wedded couple hope to combat the disease of a weakened love life?

Each child reacted differently upon hearing the news of Richard's and Joan's decision to separate for a period of time. Typically, the younger the child, the more passionate the reaction upon hearing the news. The youngest, Margaret, took the news rather well once it was broken to her. Though she was only thirteen, she did not become hysterical and was hardly vocal about the ordeal. John, who was fifteen, began asking questions as to whether or not his parents even cared about their children anymore. A bit drunk, he resorted to distracting himself by lighting a box of matches at the dinner table, and then to chewing on a cigarette. It seemed that Judith, the eldest and most mature of Richard's and Joan's four children, reacted with the most reserve. She asked a few logical questions, and stated her reasoning about the situation, saying that they should either divorce completely or stay together. Of all the children, the most real and sincere reaction came from Dick, their second child. Once Richard told him their plans of separating for the summer, Dick stayed rather quiet for a while – he was more curious about how his siblings reacted. Once Richard came into Dick's room that evening to say goodnight, Dick asked a very intelligent question: "Why?"

Sadly, Richard had completely forgotten why exactly he wanted to separate from Joan in the first place. He could not remember what exactly it was that told him that things were not working between the two of them. He and Joan had raised four intelligent children and were doing a decent job at it. Unfortunately, he had also forgotten how to love his wife. Richard could not remember how to keep the flame between he and Joan alive. The two had stopped being lovers a long time before, concentrating solely on raising their family. This distraction from each other kept them together, but caused them to cease to be in love. Things were just "okay" between the two of them. They had once been two people very in love, willing to work things out for the better. One can assume that they had their own hardships to deal with in the early stages of their marriage as do most couples, but there was a stage in their married life in which the two ceased to live in love together and began to simply live together.

Many people going through divorce attribute their separation to their not being ready when they tied the knot. Blaming one's mistakes on being young and unaware is much easier than taking responsibility for breaking a commitment to one's spouse. Of course, people do make hasty decisions on a regular basis, and usually problems are rectified quickly after the mistake had been made. In Richard's and Joan's situation, this is most likely not the case. They had been married for over twenty years, with plenty of time to turn back because of a bad decision made in passionate young infatuation. Arguments have also been known to cause conflict between people. Whether the disagreement be about financial situations, other family members, or other issues, an argument can slowly bite at the knots of a strong marriage. Joan and Richard, however, never fought. Richard reflected in the story about how he and Joan never fought. They had become like roommates who were accustomed to living with each other, who were diligent about taking care of the house, and who were there primarily for raising the children. Another reason given by many divorced couples is that the flame of love had died out. Too often do married couples find themselves too distracted by life to be able to commit some time and effort into keeping love's flame alive between themselves. This seems to be the most likely cause of the demise of Richard and Joan's love life. Too distracted by normal living, the two had grown into two separate flames, each sustaining themselves and not each other. The two had become more dedicated to making their own lives comfortable than to growing their relationship with each other.

By today's standards, such a reason seems too plain and boring. How can someone simply fall out of love? This question is asked most likely because today's marriages are torn apart by far more blatant means. Infidelity and financial stress are two main causes of the destruction of marriages today. The world has raised a new generation of people who do not heed the term "commitment" with the same amount of weight and respect as those before them. In the age of the working woman, spouses do not spend as much time with each other (or with their children) as before. This oftentimes builds walls between spouses, who separate their lives at work from their lives at home. Living such double lives causes friction in one's marriage and can easily lead to outbursts of conflict – especially when the rent is due.

What does it take to endure such hardships that come along with a married life? How are two people supposed to be able to stand each other in the midst of financial turmoil, raising children, and working long and hard hours at work in order to put food on the table? Teamwork is a necessary component to marriage. The two spouses must be wholly committed to each other in every way. Though disagreements may arise, they must be willing to work out their differences for the sake of the livelihood of their relationship. Since their commitment to each other is binding the moment they say "I do," there must be an everyday decision that both husband and wife make to each other since every day brings new tests of their strength in each other. Most importantly, for a marriage to be truly successful, both members must have the same mindset: that is they want for the marriage to work.

If the simple reason that a life-long commitment was made to each other is not good enough for a feuding married couple to try and work their differences out, then the future of their children's lives should be. Children have been known to generate distrust complexes for the rest of their lives because of a divorce in their family. Often, a child will find it very difficult to ever trust another father (or mother) figure in their lives again if a bad breakup had occurred. One's influence on one's child can be very traumatic if the split up is severe.

The standards of marriage seem to have become corrupted over the years. Today, one can finalize a divorce almost as easily as getting married. The level of commitment in a marriage has dropped so significantly that couples are making decisions about divorce with the same amount of thought that they would put into taking out a mortgage on their home. The only way for modern-day married couples to successfully reconcile a starved marriage is for them to harbor a mutual willingness to work at rebuilding the fire that once ignited their young love. Much can be learned from Updike's characters in Separating. Foremost, that divorce is not a happy ordeal, and should be considered as a last resort for working out issues between two people bound in wedlock since it rarely affects only the husband and wife.